Irony.

I think the most ironic part of life is when you are willing to do something to a person who won't do the same for you. Being in that place makes me doubt my perception about "treat others like you want to be treated" because if you are willing to do so, doesn't that other person should be willing to do the same? But sometimes life is not as fair as a price tag, sometimes you give more than you get in return. For example, as a person you would give a ride for some people who is in need, but when that situation is backwards that other person is not willing to give you a ride. For whatever reason it is, that is still an irony. I see it in everyday's life.

Human is a selfish organism. That is in our blood and our insticts. In my 18 years of life I have only see several people who is a good human being, the thoughtful ones.

There are times when I am completely DONE being left out and I don't even give a rat ass about it anymore since nobody apologize, and I just have to let it go. There are moments when I feel like punching someone who is an hour late for no good reason, I just let it go. If there is anything I learn, it is just let it go. When you can't take it anymore, breathe, try to see the brightside of everything, think of every good stuff, and walk away from your anger.

Think of all the good stuff. I did that all the times, and it works most of the time. And this is the reason why in the future I won't do the same. In the future I will be a better person, I will be a thoughtful person, I will be that person I cannot find now. I promise, tomorrow morning when I wake up, I will be a better person.

goodbye.

I've said goodbye so many times in my life.. but never nailed it well.

goodbye means moving on. not dwelling in sadness. "in time we all forgotten we all grew." - panic at the disco line

I don't know if anybody feels as emotional as I am.

this is another goodbye and another hello.

Saying goodbye to my comfy bubble here in Jakarta.. bye.

a pro.

I always feel curious about how foreign people always proud for their music, unlike us. Indonesian (including me) always feel a bit ashamed towards the local music, I don't blame the music.. but there are a few of local artists in the entertainment industry that are capable of being a respectable person. also the television stars is unspeakable too. Some of them I also found shopping in a mall wearing sunglasses. in a mall. with a sunglasses? seriously? I didn't even know who she was? I mean she tried to act all important and stuff but really? you are that satisfied with your achievement?

What I like about foreign stars is just they act professional in every occasion. this is a video of korean stars keep doing their best dance even though it was raining hard. I respect them so much.

replay

So.. It's almost graduation now.. kinda weird isn't it? one day you are just going through your first day of school, and here you are almost graduating.. 3 years seems to pass so fast.

Recently, I went into some kind of event held by a very famous local designer here in Indonesia. It was such an honor to watch that kind of amazing show. I wasn't originally interested in the fashion world, but my mom has an extra ticket so why not? When I got there I wore a simple dress (that has some kind of weird big flowers pattern which make it look more like a curtain than a dress) and wedges.. I can say that whatever you wear on an event like that, you will always feel underdressed. I wasn't really shocked like the first time and I constantly said to myself, "okay, stay cool, stay cool, just act like you know this stuff.." which I actually feel a bit lost ._.

Wherever I go to places, the most important thing is to just keep my poker face, and act like you know this things. whether it's a fashion show, science camp, or some rock concert, it works all the time.

There were catwalk, tall models, and very important first row people. I think that people who want to jump into the fashion world should prepare for this stuff, it's different from anything you watch on E channel, It's way bigger and more whimsical. But... the clothes.. it's AMAZING.. it doesn't bound with trend and is a unique work of art. It doesn't try to fit in with the time, instead it opens a new trend for people.

To my opinion, it is the same with people. People who open its own way is most likely to stand out in public. Not the ones who follow the mainstream.. the same with business too.

I need to brace up with several changes in my life.. I also lost my dog, pretzel who has been with me for 8 years. I feel so sad but I always think dwelling in sadness won't help anything. I just can pray.. and let go. I hope everything's going to be okay in the future, I hope there are greater things in my life, I hope.

face it

whoa this is all happening too fast........ !

everything and suddenly we are all going to have our graduation! this is surreal..
and after all of that, we will be going to college, and going separate ways..
I wish I can just pause at this moment for a second and just.. feeling it.
I feel so sad, but I am also happy.. and also scared.
we are grown ups now, we are no children anymore. this is too sad.
But there are a lot of new responsibilities in the future, and we have to do our best to cope with that.
I know that the future may seems like a strange place to be.. it's like looking into the magic ball and imagining you being in the future in that place, in that time, with some new people may look... odd.
some part of me say that I'm not ready for this, but this is what everyone's been through. I have to do this.
remember your dream, remember what your goal is, remember what you wanna do. Just keep your eyes on the prize. Chase that dream like a never ending marathon of life. always a challenge.

fantasy

in the midst of this craziness living in a city which is so crowded, and very noisy.. sometimes I dreamed about living in a peaceful countryside near the hills where everything is quieter. When I was small I imagine myself living in a harvest moon world where you can plant crops and sell it for a living.. and you get married, have children, happily ever after. I can play harmonica all day and write songs maybe write some novels, and pretend I didn't hear about the politics, global warming, or the apocalypse. whatever. you are not obliged to do anything except enjoying the nature.

okay it's too cheesy.

alright, maybe the great magician Howl can find me and we'll be married and happily living in a moving castle.

okay, stop.

behind the ambitious me, sometimes, I need a break. we all do.

Don't Betray Your Dreams

here is the good news: I got accepted at SBM ITB through snmptn jalur undangan!

I will study business and management there! I am really thankful to Allah.. I don't even have to do any test, can you believe that? I only had to fill in some information through web.. and simsalabim "Selamat, anda lulus seleksi!" Until now I still can't believe it.. there are people who I believe have better score than me.. part of me says that I don't deserve this.. for all my life I always be a so-so kind of girl, but now I got accepted at the most known university in Indonesia. I don't know if I'm ready for it, but I will try my best.

Some people say that this school is only famous because its name, but for me it's not the university that matter, it's the major I took. I like business since my best friend introduced it to me two years ago.. This is the path I've chosen, and I'm not going to fail it.

some people underestimated me (and sometimes I feel like kicking their face and slapping their face and probably pushing them to the sewer and pretend nothing ever happened) but I will do my best. I promise, I will do my best. whatever happens on this god knows what university I have to finish it. Of course I am scared like hell.. I am scared but what the hell. New city, new friends, everything.. I will be brave.

For the rest of my friends.. I hope they can achieve their dreams, keep your eyes on the goal fellas! I wish you the best and may Allah be with you in every step you take and every decision you make.. :)

honestly,

Do you ever feel so.. grateful.. suddenly? well, I feel it now. This is the kind of moment where you know you are so blessed that you can't even complain anymore.. I am surrounded by the most incredible people ever that a girl could ask. They are the most accepting, honest, reliable friends that a human could wish for. I am honestly, not a very sociable person, I can't talk casually to people, I tend to be very awkward.. or so I say. whenever I start or try talking to someone it becomes.... hash tag, awkward moment. BUT my friends always compromise my flaws, they are really caring and understands me completely. come on, who could ask for more?

Now I'm preparing for the state university passing exam.. state university is really famous and everyone (no, I'm not kidding) mostly everyone would do everything to get in there. So, all the tests and try outs has been given and we are currently trying our best. There are some concerns in my head though.. how can you know what to learn when there are so many possibilities of the upcoming question? for example, chemistry, there are a lot of variations to the questions.. even though we have done thousands of practice.. there will still be variations of the question and I'm not expecting an easy one. In the end it will be just you, your test paper, and your guts. only God knows who will get in.

nostalgic night.

“The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than the living size then they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.”

—	Stephen King, Different Season

That's the one thing we've got.

I know I make a lot of mistakes but I'm still learning from them. I'm still young and there are a lot for me to learn. I don't have a permanent personality, I haven't even decide my favorite color yet (because I change it every week). I listen to a bunch type of music, at the moment I like country music, but I also enjoy pop. I like reading novel even though I am probably the slowest reader in the universe. At one time I read national geographic but five minutes later I read teen vogue, just because I feel like it. I don't have a hobby except browsing the internet and being online at many different social network waiting on my tabs. I like reading stranger's blog, I do hope some stranger reads my blog too. I like watching movies, especially on theater. I also have a thing for performance art, not like I can dance or sing or act, but I just enjoy it. I also wish that someday.. the community would go back into text messaging and give up bbm. I guess it's sad some friends decided to hate me, but I guess that's normal, because this is who I am and I can't give up the way I am. I may not be the most open person, or the most responsive person as a friend, but I'm trying my best. I can't say the right thing when someone is sad, or when someone's having birthday I don't even know what to say. I don't have hundreds followers on my twitter. I also really hate it when someone don't read my message for a very long time. I guess that's normal. Maybe I am a weird person after all. I am just a human.

"Life is too short - or too long - to allow myself the luxury of living it badly" -Paulo Coelho

turtle travels only when it sticks its neck out.

I'm a big fan of quotes, I posted quotes on my blogger, on my plurk, my twitter, anything. I just love to quote someone else. It's not only famous people, but sometimes even my friends occasionally said the wisest zen kind of thing without realizing it.

(while I was writing here, my friend from taiwan greeted me on msn. That's the nicest feeling in the world you know! I miss her very much..)

I once read this quotes on tumblr, "if you want something, then you have to leave something else." It means that we need to sacrifice something in order to achieve something bigger. For example, I want to learn playing guitar and to achieve that I have to spare some time on weekday since it's cheaper that way, and money as well. Well, because I'm just really new into this music thingy, I need to practice because obviously I suck so bad at it. Because I don't want to be "suck" I practice at home too, and when I practice guitar I can't study for my school right? So it means I sacrifice my school study to learn guitar. (My guitar tutor said that I need to practice an hour everyday for three months only to study apoyando technique). I did study two hours everyday... for three days.

And here is the new favorite quotes:

"I have found there are three stages to every work of God; first it is impossible, then it is difficult, then it's done" -J. Hudson Taylor

"God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell me the difference."

"Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think." -Horace

Dream List?

so.. a friend of mine have this dream list and I think I'm gonna give this a shot. I mean, nothing to lose right?

1. To Build an Amusement Park based on my own concept. It's not like I want to build a disneyland because it's already Disney's, what's the point of making something that's already someone else's anyway? I want to make it as exciting as possible, over the top, unique, whimsical kind of theme park. I guess I'm a bit obsessed by mitch albom's "five people you meet in heaven" which took place in a theme park. People will love it, I'm sure of it.

2. To build an art school.. maybe some kind of art high school. It's like a regular high school, but much cooler. So many people have talent and passion for art but they lock it deep inside because they want a decent life. I know that life as an artist maybe a bit shaky.. but imagining doing what you love everyday in your life, you can never be really poor (I think, but what do I know? :p)

3. To... go to heaven. amin. itulah tujuan utamanya.

more quotes!

I wanted to say goodbye to someone, and have someone say goodbye to me. The goodbyes we speak and the goodbyes we hear are the goodbyes that tell us we’re still alive.

Wolves of the Calla, Stephen King

He saw things in a way that others did not, so that a city I had lived in all my life seemed a different place, so that a woman became beautiful with the light on her face.

Girl With a Pearl Earring, Tracy Chevalier

One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.

The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

My meaning simply is, that whatever I have tried to do in life, I have tried with all my heart to do well; that whatever I have devoted myself to, I have devoted myself to completely; that in great aims and in small, I have always been thoroughly in earnest.

David Copperfield, Charles Dickens

One can forgive but one should never forget.

Persepolis, Marjane Satrapi

I told her tea bags were just a convenience for people with busy lives and she said no one is so busy they can’t take time to make a decent cup of tea and if you are that busy you don’t deserve a decent cup of tea for what is it all about anyway? Are we put into this world to be busy or to chat over a nice cup of tea?

‘Tis, Frank McCour

When you’re struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it’s just as hard as what you’re going through.

Dear John, Nicholas Sparks

I am infinitely strange to myself.

The French Lieutenant’s Woman, John Fowles

It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them.

An Autobiography, Agatha Christie

"Why do we have to listen to our hearts? Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure. 'But my heart is agitated,' the boy said. 'It has its dreams, it gets emotional, and it's become passionate over a woman of the desert. It asks thing of me, and it keeps me from sleeping many nights, when I'm thinking about her.' Well, that's good. Your heart is alive. Keep listening to what it has to say." -Paulo Coelho

Slump.

It is hard times for us senior year right now. I mean, ask anyone. The more you get closer to it the more harder it seems. I have seen some of my friends, and even I get into a level where you just can't stand it anymore. Sometimes it is so stressful that you just want to lock yourself and cry, or cry in front of the public. Times when you just lost faith, everyone's been there. No matter how good they fake it in the morning. I think that is the point of all of this, when no matter how worn out you are at night and you just have so much thoughts that it keeps you awake, but then you are too tired and close your eyes, and in the morning you just have to push yourself to fight again. Today, one more battle, seize the day as you had lived the day before.

They say if you want one thing, you just gotta let go of another. Sometimes, sacrifices are needed when you want it that badly. But I wonder if it's worth it to sell today for the future. I wonder if I didn't try hard enough and if I'm going to regret it in the future.

I become extremely poetic at night I guess.

What's done, is done.

"I had jumped off the edge, and then, at the very last moment, something reached out and caught me in midair. That something is what I define as love. It is the one thing that can stop a man from falling, powerful enough to negate the laws of gravity."

Moon Palace, Paul Auster

"I dont know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning."

-The Perks of being a wallflower

"Patrick told me that if I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone that I should just not make eye contact. He said that eye contact is how you agree to fool around anonymously. Nobody talks. They just find places to go." -The Perks of being a wallflower

"People like to say “follow your dreams”.
I think a much better saying would be ” chase your dreams down the street with arms flailing because they will be moving along much faster than you can, and do not take to time to sleep, eat, breathe, or shower while doing so. Dream chasing is similar to marathon running, but in marathons someone hugs you when you get to the end, and then you get to have a nap. No nap here. No hug. Just more marathon running." -Keltie Colleen

"I feel like one of those people who is so miserable that they can’t be around normal people, like I’ll infect the happy people." -Grey's anatomy

"When was the last time you wanted to say it all to the right person? To have it all come out right, to surprise yourself at how together you could be. When was the last time you ever met someone who made you want to give it all to them? I mean give yourself to them. Where you couldn’t express yourself enough - like you wanted to cut off one of your arms to be understood. That’s it - you would cut your head off to have someone understand you. You know how pointless that one is. You know how many times you’ve smashed yourself to bits on the rocks." -Henry Rollins

"Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the thing we'll never know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."

Hating other people doesn't make you more lovable. It is like ..making other people feel small doesn't make you big either.

I tend to stay away from people who make me feel small.. like people who keep telling me that I'm not good enough that you can't never do that or this, those people who think they are so high. I like people who tell me the truth and just be honest in a good way.

I just don't want to live my life hating. Hating that person, hating this thing that thing, hating the situation, hating everything. I want to love my life loving everything, every person I met, every subject I learn, everything. plain everything.

I remember the most beautiful moment.. was when I were on summer camp. I always imagine that place whenever I need to find peace. I remember that little bakery shop at a small town in sweden, they sell these chocolate muffins (which are really delicious), and cinnamon something (which also super delicious). So when we have break time we often go there, and I can still remember the price there. The road to the lake is also really beautiful.. the scenery is like a painting or somekind. It was a perfect combination of sky blue and green. The road to the lake was far, but I never got tired since everyone loved each other back then.

Just like songs did, perfume for me also brings back memories. Anna Sui's "dream" is the one I used at sweden, so I really love the fragrance. It is like when I smell the perfume, it feels as if I am there. I am dying to get that perfume since it's really hard to find in my country, but thanks to my friend I finally have it :) In taiwan, it always smell like pear, you know why.

The next most beautiful was when I was at Kuta beach late at night with my friends. I can't remember every conversation but that moment is really beautiful. The smell of the water, the sound of the ocean, my hair felt sticky after a long day, My feet touching the sand is all so clear to me. What I meant beautiful here is what stephen chbosky would call "Infinite moment." The kind of moment when you feel you own the world together. I can't really explain it but I think pretty much everyone have that moment.

"I am very interested and fascinated by how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other." -the perks of being a wallflower

wonder what it will be like.

I have free time now woohoo!

It's been very busy ever since and I don't have that much free time like I used to have last year. I kind of miss being boring but I don't mind being busy for a while. Being a senior means you have a lot of responsibility and also a lot to fight for. Even though I didn't do really well on the tryouts.. but I still (amazingly) believe that at the end I will do good.. I need to do more right? even though it means I'm going to be really tired.

Recently I have took guitar courses! I think that playing an instrument is really nice even though it is not as easy as I thought.. since I have small hands and it hurts so much after practice. I know I'm still a beginner but I will seriously learn this so that I can show it off sometimes hehehe.

When I have free time I like to watch cable.. or youtube.. before I go to bed (that's usually really late at night) I like to catch up with my reading. I hate that I don't have much time to read books that I want to read because I always too tired.

In the future I want to learn how to paint. I will continue to do what I like and I know that if I do what I love good things will come along too, so I won't be stressed up by exam weeks, bimbel, school, and other thing.

(monologue)
bye.